ponderings...

[laurainlimbo]

I just realized that tomorrow is the first day of May! that makes me happy because it's my favorite month. Not only is it spring, and warm and full of flowers and life, but there is also a major national holiday - and, most importantly *blush* it's also the month I was born. There's only 29 more days until my birthday, and then I'll really start feeling like i want to stop the world from spinning anymore. I just want to suspend the moment for awhile, enjoy the fact that I'm still young, but old enough to have achieved some wisdom; still young enough that I don't have massive responsibilities, but old enough to appreciate the responsibilities that I have; still young enough to get out and enjoy life, but old enough to know how to be careful and not get too crazy; and both young and old enough to have friends of all ages, all over the world! I hope that people don't consider me to be old, because I feel young. and I hope that people don't judge the fact that I still don't have a career or children or a home of my own at my age. My life has been different; I've done lots of traveling, living abroad, moving around trying to find myself, and those experiences have made me the person I am now. I think I'm almost ready to start settling somewhere, to find a place to make some roots. But where, and when? those are the big questions. and will it happen like I want it to?

But really, the reason I'm in such a pondering mood is that I've been really enjoying life lately. And sadly, that enjoyment has almost become something foreign to me. I'm not quite sure how I should react. So I guess that's why today I feel some conflicting emotions. I realized that I've been very happy. I haven't written any negative or depressing posts for awhile, things are going well, and I have even been feeling more positive about the future. At the same time, though, I'm also worried. when things are going well, for some reason I'm always afraid that it won't last, that something will happen to change my plans, and then I'll be back to square one again.



See, a couple months ago I had resigned myself to the idea that I would be leaving Chicago this fall and moving back to my mom's house temporarily. Things were so gloomy and hopeless for awhile this past winter with my relationship, my husband's job seemed doomed, and I even thought we were going to break up, that he would go back to Japan and I would go on alone. I was planning to stay with my parents until I finished the certificate program, then try to find a paralegal job in Seattle. It didn't sound like a terrible plan - I mean, I love my parents, and of course I would love to be close to family. But it just didn't feel right. I felt that being near my sister and her family would just make me feel more sad that I didn't have my own, especially if my husband left me. It felt like it would be a big step back, and I don't want to go backwards anymore. I want to be independent, confident - but at the same time, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be without my husband, and I don't want to move again. I just moved, and I am tired of it. I want to stay somewhere, continue to make friends, do things, be comfortable here. And the good thing is that I'm actually getting accustomed to Chicago again, feeling more at home here. Of course I hate the winters, and I miss being near ocean and mountains. But the other three seasons here are not so bad, and there is so much to do in the spring, summer and fall. Lately things have taken a big turn for the better. Even though i hate my job sometimes, I know that I will be starting a new career in a year. My husband has been playing more music, meeting new musicians, and also feeling more positive. Most importantly, it seems that his job is more tolerable, and he might want to stay here for awhile - at least for a couple years, or more if I can get a paralegal job in Chicago - and if his job continues to work out - or even better if he could get a music career going again. that would be great!

I just don't want anything to happen now that will change this positive feeling I have. I like the way my life is going right now, and I am going to try to make it stay this way. I'm planning to save as much money as I can this summer while also getting out and enjoying life as much as possible. I will start my study program, and start planning for a great future.

anyway, if you're still with me, thanks for reading. I'm just philosophizing - it's necessary sometimes to clear my head.



in other news, this weekend was great. the weather was awesome, and I was super busy. Masahiko played music Friday and Saturday nights downtown with his old blues mate Linsey Alexander. Friday night I met my friend Isabella for dinner - we had an amazing Italian dinner, drank red wine and talked for a long time. then she and her husband Dave went with me to see Masahiko play. That was great fun and they really enjoyed it - plus they could meet my husband! Saturday I cleaned my apartment, and my friend Sarah came over for Thai food and we watched a very stupid movie, "You, Me and Dupree"- which surprisingly wasn't terrible, but certainly not memorable either. We also watched the internet reality show "The Little Merman" - if you haven't seen it, it's hilarious!! http://littlemerman.com/ (or you can catch it on youtube.com)
Sunday we went to Cafe 28 again to see Sergio Pires and to have brunch - but I was so disappointed that they were out of the stuffed french toast!! Anyway, we met our Japanese friend Chiaki who is going back to Japan today after living here for three years. We'll miss her. After the brunch, we drove to the lake and sat in the sun for awhile enjoying the warmth and watching people and dogs, and then we shopped for food. Then we sat for an hour on our balcony drinking beer, eating smoked salmon and crackers, and listening to our new CD by Bobbie Broom and Sergio Pires - beautiful bossa nova!
it was heaven!!

Monday it was back to work and reality, but it's all better after a great weekend! Heroes was awesome - I was seriously on the edge of my seat cursing at the tv - Peter is made of all kinds of amazing, and what happened to Claire?????? I love Ando, and Nathan is Sylar or Sylar is Nathan??? what? and Hiro rocks!!! I love that show - and a great new Supernatural this week - I've been listening to the song "What is and What will Never Be" by Zeppelin in preparation - it's on the boxed set I recently uploaded.

hope everyone is having a great week so far - and I will catch up on emails soon!!

oh, and I leave you with something I snagged from xitsmejessica



Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up! If you can't think of anything, skip it. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial.

And remember - you CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.


. Your Name:
Laura

. Famous Artist/Band/Musician:
LIVE

. A song:
Live and Let Die

. 4 letter word:
Love (of course)

. Color:
Lavender

. Animal:
Lion (of course)

. TV Show:
the Love Boat!!??

. Country:
London *-*

oh, I know that's not a country, sillies!!

Latvia?

. Boy Name:
Lawrence

. Girl Name:
Linda

Occupation:
Lawyer (of course)

. Celebrity:
Loretta Lynn

. Food:
Lasagna

. Something found in a kitchen:
Lemons

. Reason for Being Late:
Laziness

. Something You Shout:
Leave me alone!