it's not life that matters but the journey...

I promised myself that the next time I wrote on this journal, I would be positive and optimistic. I mean, my life is not all gloom and doom. I have a part time job, a roof over my head, food to eat (in fact, I really should go on a diet!), a nice husband, a cute cat, and a great family (that is too far away right now). And after seeing that there was another terrorist attack in Bali that killed 25 or so people, just three years after the other bombings there and not so long after the big tsunami in Indonesia killed so many - and after weeks of hurricane disasters in the U.S., I guess I should be counting my blessings.

But . . . (Pee Wee Herman said that everyone has a big but . . .)

Today was a Terrible day. It reminded me of the time when I lived here in Japan before, when I felt helpless and displaced, and when I felt like I didn't belong here. so here it goes...

I had plans today to meet my former supervisor and friend Akiko for an afternoon coffee or snack - we were going to meet at 3 p.m. Of course I don't have my own car, but Masahiko had agreed to take me to meet her, knowing that she would bring me back. But today was a really nice day weatherwise, so Masahiko wanted to drive up to Mt. Fuji to get away and enjoy the beautiful cloudless day. So I agreed to meet Akiko earlier, at 12, so that Masahiko could go by himself for a drive.

We have at our house two cars - one that Masahiko's father always uses, and the other one that Masahiko uses, and sometimes his mother takes it for shopping or visiting the doctor. Today she wanted to go shopping, so she took the car around 10 and agreed to be back by noon so that Masahiko could take me. Well, 11:30 rolled around, then 11:45, then 12:00 and Masahiko's mother didn't return. I couldn't reach Akiko by her cell phone, and it wasn't until 12:15 that we were finally able to leave the house. So I was about 30 minutes late meeting Akiko, which was not really a big problem. but it started the day out wrong.

I had a nice visit with Akiko - we had lunch and coffee and talked for about three hours. She brought me back to the house at 3:30 and I didn't even think to check and make sure that someone was home after she drove away. Masahiko was up at Mt. Fuji so I didn't expect him to be home, but I guess I just assumed that one of his parents would be here. they are so seldom gone. Did I mention that I don't have a key to the house? I could get one, but there are so few times that I come home alone (when no one is here) that I haven't needed one. Well, I don't have a key, and when I tried the door, it was locked. I rang the doorbell but no one was here. So I was stuck. I went to the ramen shop across the street and tried calling Akiko, but she didn't answer her phone. then I tried Masahiko - finally after using about 200 yen in change, I got through to him and he agreed to call his father. I waited inside the ramen shop and they were very kind- calling Masahiko's father for me and giving me a glass of tea. They came back after just 15 minutes and I was able to get in. But I felt so stupid! Locked out of my own house, and unable to speak enough Japanese to call Masahiko's father myself. I feel like a child here, dependent on everyone for everything! Its depressing sometimes and makes me wonder if I should stay here anymore.
plus, Masahiko's sister was there and wouldn't even acknowledge me. ever since Masahiko had the falling out with her (which was about me, and the fact that I should have been cooking my own food after I was here for just three weeks), she doesn't like me at all. It makes me feel terrible.

So, the whole day was a mistake and I wish I could just erase it and start over. Not to mention that it is October 2nd, but it was as hot as a summer day and that made me more uncomfortable.

Why can't life just be easy for me? Its always been my decisions that have made me unhappy - getting the wrong Master's degree, moving to the wrong places, leaving places where things were working out fine, etc..... I think I need someone to make decisions for me, since I am always doing things wrong.