it's not life that matters but the journey...

sometimes that is what I feel of my life lately.  I feel like I've been on vacation now for a year, with a little bit of work mixed in (July and August were pretty busy since I worked three or four days a week).  I assume most people would be envious that I have so much free time, and that I'm not a slave to a 9-5 job somewhere, or stressed by meetings, kids, and other things.   But that's exactly why I'm unhappy - I realized it.  I don't want a permanent vacation.  Vacations, yes, but ones in which I can go somewhere, or be productive, and most of all feel comfortable.  I want to have a regular job - it doesn't even have to be a career or a great job, just something that I can go to every day and have responsibilities; I want to have my own place (even if its a small apartment with bad plumbing) that I can decorate and call my own; I want a routine and money coming into a bank account with my name on it; I want to be able to shop in familiar places for food that I like, and be able to prepare my own dinners in my own kitchen (even if I am a terrible cook)! 

I was feeling pretty positive in the last month, even last couple of weeks.  M was seeming to be at an even pace, playing music and seeing friends.  Also, we were really talking of getting our own school going , and even got the sign hung up yesterday (though it needs a light on it at night since its not visible at all after dark).  But its funny - once we got the sign up, it was like an anticlimax.  We don't feel any more positive.  I am starting to feel like we might not even get any students at all.  and I'll only be teaching three classes on Saturdays at the school in Shizuoka (I was teaching five, but two of the students are taking off for October)- and maybe working Wednesday nights until she finds another teacher.  I'm making so little money of my own, its just another thing that makes me feel dependent on M and his parents.  Its not right for someone my age and with my skills and abilities to be completely dependent on someone else for survival. 

It seems pretty likely that I will return to the states by spring - though it could be earlier if things continue to be so gloomy in our lives.  I don't know where I will go, or what I will do.  and it will cost a fortune to send everything back and start all over again.  but some things are necessary. 

the sun finally came out today after three days of clouds with no rain.  thats one thing to be thankful for . . . only one.