it's not life that matters but the journey...

sometimes that is what I feel of my life lately.  I feel like I've been on vacation now for a year, with a little bit of work mixed in (July and August were pretty busy since I worked three or four days a week).  I assume most people would be envious that I have so much free time, and that I'm not a slave to a 9-5 job somewhere, or stressed by meetings, kids, and other things.   But that's exactly why I'm unhappy - I realized it.  I don't want a permanent vacation.  Vacations, yes, but ones in which I can go somewhere, or be productive, and most of all feel comfortable.  I want to have a regular job - it doesn't even have to be a career or a great job, just something that I can go to every day and have responsibilities; I want to have my own place (even if its a small apartment with bad plumbing) that I can decorate and call my own; I want a routine and money coming into a bank account with my name on it; I want to be able to shop in familiar places for food that I like, and be able to prepare my own dinners in my own kitchen (even if I am a terrible cook)! 

I was feeling pretty positive in the last month, even last couple of weeks.  M was seeming to be at an even pace, playing music and seeing friends.  Also, we were really talking of getting our own school going , and even got the sign hung up yesterday (though it needs a light on it at night since its not visible at all after dark).  But its funny - once we got the sign up, it was like an anticlimax.  We don't feel any more positive.  I am starting to feel like we might not even get any students at all.  and I'll only be teaching three classes on Saturdays at the school in Shizuoka (I was teaching five, but two of the students are taking off for October)- and maybe working Wednesday nights until she finds another teacher.  I'm making so little money of my own, its just another thing that makes me feel dependent on M and his parents.  Its not right for someone my age and with my skills and abilities to be completely dependent on someone else for survival. 

It seems pretty likely that I will return to the states by spring - though it could be earlier if things continue to be so gloomy in our lives.  I don't know where I will go, or what I will do.  and it will cost a fortune to send everything back and start all over again.  but some things are necessary. 

the sun finally came out today after three days of clouds with no rain.  thats one thing to be thankful for . . . only one.

Okay - I'm not feeling so terribly pessimistic anymore. raise it a notch to something like doubtful and uncertain. thats pretty much the mood I awake to every day since I'm not sure of our future at all. I want to be positive about the school, but I just don't know. for now I'll just keep working on it, getting the room fixed up, finding books and materials, searching for decorations (any ideas for decorating a language school?) and encouraging Masahiko to get the advertisements out there. the sign is great, but its not very visible so we need to improve that too.

as I told my good friend Sarah, I probably shouldn't write on here when I'm feeling really lost - I just had to vent, and there was no one to talk to.

I also did what any depressed woman will do to feel better (besides eating chocolate, which I should do too). I bought some new clothes today - well a new pair of cords to wear in the fall/winter. and I've been scouring ebay for cute skirts (though I'll have to have them sent from the U.S.) because I can't buy women's clothes here. I had to buy men's jeans today! Yes, even though my size in the states is quite average (except that I'm tall), in Japan I am a monstrous size compared to most of the women here, who are so tiny and petite. they don't have hips or butts! I don't get it! I encountered this same problem when I came here before and spent too much money shipping clothes from the states.

I will luckily get out tomorrow for tutoring and Saturday for my job in Shizuoka. I've been at home pretty much most of the week (except for shopping) and the walls are closing in. I had wanted to get out and start jogging, but this week I also got sick - Wednesday I couldn't even go to work since I woke up at 2 am with terrible intestinal cramps. I think I've been fighting a flu bug all week - tonight I have a sore throat. but I will go out tomorrow no matter what.

anyone who is listening, thanks... and any form of correspondence would cheer up a homesick person oh so much!