it's not life that matters but the journey...

I'm so disappointed that only one person commented on the crazy links that I posted here the other day... I thought more people might enjoy the goofy Japanese spiderman TV show that my husband found ... or at least the story on the bunny (omfg its a giant bunny rabbit!)

anyway, I enjoyed them! And on that day (was it just yesterday?), I was feeling really upbeat and positive, not even worried about my future at all. somehow I was just happy to be alive and enjoying things. Reality was really far away... which was nice for awhile...
But unfortunately, those kinds of days are rare, and as I sit here now, at 11:30 p.m. on a Friday night, I'm feeling very lost - reality has once again hit me, hard!

it could be due to the seriously schizophrenic weather that we're having here. Fuji can't decide if it should move on to an early spring (we had two days of above normal temps, sunshine and warmth), or if it should hang on to winter (today was flipping cold, with rain, wind and clouds, and we once again had to resort to the icky oil heater to heat up the room)...

or it could be that I've slipped into a daily routine that is making my life very mundane and pointless. Besides my few classes at home, and besides my Fridays that I go to Shimizu, I'm not doing anything else productive these days. I've lost my motivation to exercise or study japanese or write my novel (though I have been reading the "how-to" books, so I'm getting the ideas moving around in my head - I just haven't written anything down) - and I don't know how to get the motivation back because I'm so stressed about my future...

meanwhile time keeps ticking and its almost March!

But I know that I can't just blame the weather, and I can't just blame routine (after all, routine is healthy and keeps most people organized - that is MOST people!) I have to start looking deep within and figuring out what it is that I really want out of life. And that's easier said than done. Yet, as I sit here, with yet another stomachache from stress, I realize that I don't even know how to say what is going on in my head right now. I used to be able to express myself so well in words, but these days I just don't have the capability to do much of anything. And mostly what scares me is that I'm unable to do the things necessary to get out of this current stagnant situation and lifestyle that I am in.

After Christmas I went through a serious depression, but luckily after a couple weeks I was able to snap out of it and focus on my future. I made the decision to move back to the U.S., and I was even feeling like it was the right thing to do.

Right now, however, I feel really strange. I haven't been able to make any serious commitment to this move, and I'm not sure why. I've looked for apartments, and even gone so far as to contact some people about applications, etc... and I've contacted my former employer in Chicago, as well as the guy who Masahiko used to play music with. But it all feels wrong, suddenly. My life seems wrong, and I don't know what to do. And the strange thing is that I'm not feeling depressed about my life, even though I realize that I am very far from being content, or being settled anywhere. No, I'm not depressed. Instead, I'm feeling something entirely different: conflicted. I really know that I must leave this house, and this town, (and possibly even this country) in order to get back to a state of normalcy in my life again (of course my life has hardly ever been normal, so I don't really know what I mean by that). And I know that moving back to Chicago, as hard as it will be to get re-adjusted, will probably be the best thing for my husband right now too. But at the same time, I feel extremely guilty giving up these classes which I started in my home - not just for the students, but because I'm giving up a dream that I had for a long time. I really did want this school to work out because it was my dream to have my own school. But now I realize that in order to have this school, we have to stay in a living situation that doesn't work for me, and that is a big sacrifice I'm not sure I can make.

In addition, I've been really imagining a return to my former life in Chicago, and I'm not sure if it will be a good thing. Is it really good to regress? Is it really good to go back to something that we left behind? I know that I want to be nearer to my family, and I know that I miss lots of things about American culture, and I know that being in my own country just gives me a sense of independence and control that I don't feel here (especially since I don't have my OWN place here, or a car). Yet, I never liked the job that I'm considering returning to, I never felt completely at home in Chicago, and I'm not sure that Masahiko will be entirely happy with his former lifestyle either (after all, he wanted to leave it once, so what makes me think he won't want to leave it again?) When I really start thinking about it and imagining it all, I see so many things wrong with returning.

and here is the ultimate problem. I have to be really strong if I decide to go through with this move. because my partner is complacent about the whole thing and would just as soon continue with this stagnant lifestyle if it weren't for me and my wish to embrace life and make a change. But again, is returning to what we had before, and not doing anything new, really embracing life?

I just don't know what to do...