it's not life that matters but the journey...

well, the good news is that I'm not feeling as tired or stressed as I was yesterday. Nothing has really been resolved yet, but it will be soon, and I'm positive about this move. The only thing I'm worried about now is my cat - I have to be sure there are no special rules for getting him into the U.S. - but most sites I see say that he doesn't need any vaccines, so I think its okay. And he did get the rabies vaccine (a 3-year one) last February. I'm just so worried, and feeling really guilty, about taking him on a 12-hour flight. Poor thing, he's comfortable here, and he's traveled so much. But I have to take him - he's family!

Of course I'm also worried about money. There have been arguments with my husband about what happened to the money we used to have in the bank account (I haven't spent any), and how much I'll need when I get to Chicago. and he just keeps saying "Its your decision to move." Hmmm. Yes, it is. But I don't have much choice lately the way things are going.

Anyway, I have to update on what happened yesterday with my kids' class, which gave me so much stress, and which is still lingering in my head to this moment.



Awhile back, I wrote about the 6-year-old boy that I teach on Tuesdays. His name is Yuto, and he comes here with his sister, Marino, who is 8, and a 7-year-old Korean girl named Won-Jin. It has been a challenging class, but its mainly been because of Yuto, who usually has trouble sitting still, talks to himself, gets upset easily, and can't keep up with the girls during the lessons. I can tell he is smart, but up until yesterday I could only guess what was really wrong with him, and why he is such a challenge. In a previous post, I mentioned that I thought, by his symptoms and behavior, that he might be autistic. I've never met autistic kids, but have read about them (and of course I saw "Rainman" with Dustin Hoffman).

Well, last week, Yuto didn't come to class - his mother told me he was tired and was sleeping. So last week was a breeze because the girls, though chatty, are smart and fun. But yesterday, Yuto came, and I could tell right away something was wrong because he started going right upstairs as soon as he walked in the door. Usually he is slower and waits for the girls. When he got to the classroom, Leo (my cat) was in there, and this of course excited the kids. But Leo got scared because the kids are so noisy and ran upstairs. Well, Yuto just couldn't get Leo out of his mind, and through the whole class, he said he wanted to see Leo, and even kept going out of the classroom (which is on the second floor of our house), and trying to go upstairs to our bedroom (the staircase is right next to the classroom, and that's where he saw Leo run). First of all, after Leo ran upstairs, I had trouble even getting Yuto to sit in his chair. He was just leaning over it, and he was restless; he kept getting up and walking around the room, picking things up and trying to turn the light on and off. Sometimes he would leven sit on the floor in the yoga "child's pose" on his knees with his head on the floor. But sometimes he would sit down, and finally when I gave them a worksheet, he started drawing pictures (he was supposed to be writing alphabet, but I didn't care), so he was busy (but not quiet, since he kept saying "misete" - which means look - and showing me and the girls his drawings.)

But then things got worse when I started trying to teach. Yuto started going to the cupboards and opening them, and then he opened the classroom door and started trying to go upstairs. And every time he got out of his chair, I had to go and stop him - physically - which made me feel very stressed and uncomfortable. I think it was like a game for him, because he was laughing and the girls also thought it was funny; but it was getting frustrating because I couldn't focus on the lesson, and I needed him to sit still. I didn't want him going upstairs since Masahiko was not there and I didn't know what he would get into. I don't want him to get hurt, and I was also trying to still teach the girls. finally things got so bad, (he was not sitting still at all) that I tried to get him to read some books - I found some kids' books in Japanese with pictures, but it took him just 5 minutes or so to be bored with that. He was getting noisier at this point, and shouting, and then, after I had stopped him going upstairs for about the 5th time, he sat down in his chair and started crying, and saying he wanted his mother. And he was really crying loudly and it was also upsetting the girls. I felt terrible, but I didn't know what to do, so I got the phone and asked Marino to call her mother. There were just 15 minutes left in the class, but I knew she would be there quickly. So Yuto's mother came, just 5 minutes later, and I took Yuto downstairs to her, and taught the girls for another 10 minutes.

After class, Yuto's mother then tried to explain to me what is wrong with Yuto. She was very apologetic and said that he has a lot of stress and can't sleep at night. And she said that he can only focus or concentrate on one thing, really hard, and that after he behaves really badly, like he did in class, he gets really worried. He realizes afterwards what he did, but at the time, he can't understand or control his behavior. Yuto's mother couldn't think of the English word for Yuto's problem, so I asked Masahiko, and it is indeed a form of autism. Just like I suspected. And of course after the fact, I felt terrible for getting angry at Yuto, or touching him (of course I didn't hurt him, I just physically stopped him from going upstairs). and I feel sorry for him and for his mother and family.

but at the same time, Masahiko and I are both mad that Yuto's mother didn't tell us before I started teaching him that he's autistic. That is something I am not trained to handle, and if I had known, perhaps I might have been a little more cautious, or even said that I couldn't teach him. I could see from the very first time that we met Yuto that he was different: he was sitting under the table and focusing on one part of the table very intently, and he would walk really slowly, and open doors and just act really unfocused and dreamy.

I was so shaken up after that whole ordeal last night, and I was very relieved when the other student that usually comes at 7 p.m. canceled her lesson. I was extremely tired, so I drank a beer, ate dinner and went to bed by 10 p.m.! that is why I haven't updated or written anything else until now!

So, needless to say, I'm a bit relieved that I'm only teaching these kids for 3 more weeks. If I were going to stay here, I might have to tell Yuto's mother that I couldn't teach him anymore. Autistic kids need specially trained teachers, and its not good for him or for me to continue this situation. I'm an English teacher trained to teach adults, so kids are enough of a challenge. and Yuto, with his autism, is far too much for me to handle.