it's not life that matters but the journey...

I'm very sleepy. I watched two episodes of Six Feet Under tonight (I'm halfway through the second season already) - I love that show so much. It always makes me smile, cry, cheer, and think a lot. It really makes me think about life, and death, and relationships. Tonight's show had this wonderful bit of wisdom about soul mates. This woman was a Jewish Rabbi and she said that your soul mate is the person who makes your soul grow the most - and sometimes that growth is not so good. I love that. We can grow, but sometimes it's not always great. And that is okay. I just love that!

Just as I was sitting down to do my LJ thing, my sister called and we talked for an hour! She's going to get me a gift certificate for some clothes from New York and Company - they are the only place I found in the mall with decent clothes for me. Yay, new clothes!!
talking to her always cheers me up. and boy did I need it. I'm feeling a bit emotional this week - it's a female thing (and not my monthly friend) and I don't want to divulge details here. just suffice to say that I'm not feeling myself, and little things make me upset. like today how I almost got hit twice by cars when I was crossing the majorly busy intersection near our building. and like how I felt like I looked tired and ugly today. and how I don't have any nice clothes and am wearing clothes from two years ago. just things like that...

but here's what is really upsetting me, though I don't know why. Usually I don't care about these things, but it's upsetting me this week that I don't really have any friends I can rely on, or confide in. My sister is my only real friend that I can tell absolutely anything to. Otherwise, there's no one. I have friends in cities around the world, and a few friends who are not close. And of course I do have my wonderful LJ friends. I couldn't survive without them - is that sad? I don't really care. It's true. And I wish my friends weren't all online, because I need a hug now. and I can't hug them, except just virtually.
But I guess even THAT is something.

I know I just moved back here to Chicago a month ago, and really only knew a couple people from my workplace. And I know that I haven't had many chances to meet other people. And I know that I don't really need tons of "friends" to survive. I'm quite accustomed to being independent, and being alone (when M is out playing music for example, or in one of his moods), and I truly like being alone and watching movies or reading or doing LJ stuff. Sometimes. But I guess what bothers me is that people never change. No matter how old you get, or how much experience you have in life, or where you go, people are always going to disappoint. I've rarely found people I can rely on.

case in point? well, I tried to make a plan to go out with some girls from work, and it fell through. there were to be four of us, and two canceled, leaving me to feel obliged to cancel too. and we did extend the invitation to others in the workplace, but no one cared. Plus I've been trying to make plans with two friends to go out for a big birthday celebration - we all have May b-days. But there's just never a time that they are both free. Me, I'm ALWAYS free. I have no life, so I'm just up for anything - that's me - spontaneous and ready for anything. But there's nothing happening. *sigh*

So, I give up. I'm not going to attempt to join the "cliques" at work, or plan anymore get-togethers, because it's not worth it. It's just a flasback to my college days when people cancelled all the time. I'd rather just get DVD's and hang out with my cat and a bag of caramel popcorn.

I have to admit that some of the most reliable friends I've ever had are in Japan. Really. and it's sad that I had to leave there, and leave some of those great people, just because I wasn't happy with my living arrangements. Here, I like my space and my independence, but I miss people who care about me. no one cares here.

Sorry for the emotional rant. I just needed to vent. I'll be fine later. Plus I think that I have the whole weekend with my husband, since he won't be playing. It's not good for the money situation (we need as much as we can get), but we need time together. It's good for us.

The Blues Festival is this weekend, but I don't think that M cares. He plays blues all the time, and he isn't interested anymore. But I might still like to go for the atmosphere, and the food. good old hot dogs and hamburgers. and the weather will certainly be nice.

that is one good thing lately. the weather here has been glorious. warm (but not hot and muggy like it was on my birthday), sunny and breezy. I like it this way:)